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Life Lately

Like the title says, I usually procrastinate when I’m overwhelmed with things, especially when I have to ~decide~ or I have to do a very big thing. But when I’ve gotten one of the biggest thing in my life a couple of years back by jumping with eyes closed, I’ve realized that it’s OK to stop procrastinating and not be afraid of the outcome (most of the time it isn’t as bad as I think).

But old habits are hard to break! I’m a planner, I have at least have 3 to 5 backup plans for the “just in case I messed it up”. I don’t like getting caught unprepared, it feels like everything will fall apart & it’ll be the end of it all. Pretty dramatic, but that’s how my mind works. I also super hate doing something against my personality or morals; guilt gnaws me so bad. Even a simple white lie makes me feel mortified (I know this is kinda the same, but I’d rather omit or not say anything at all).

Many times now, instead of procrastinating, I just nag myself with a little old saying—I’ll cross the bridge when I get there. Recently—very selective moments—it works; but I’m mentally unstable. I seek the comfort, the safe, the unproblematic. I always choose self-preservation. I hate pondering the possible consequences of my actions that sure to hunt me to no end. Having undiagnosed (quite sure I have it) anxiety disorder, catastrophizing is like a second nature to me.

Ugh, I just needed to get that one out!

12/10/21