Personal / not a fleeting thought anymore that I can leave myself to wonder

This my mandatory spill your guts yearly post aka my birthday entry! Nah, kidding but I feel like sharing some things about life and learning is good once in a while. Last year I talked about being young and never feeling too late despite I’m in my thirties. I often encountered people younger than me laments about getting old and not being ready yet. News flash we will never ever be ready in life. Life in stores surprises in all different packages. In retrospect, I spent so much time wandering and wondering (hence the title) yes, only wondering and no actions.

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.

Albert Einstein

I have lots of “what ifs” in life—and maybe more in the future, I just couldn’t help it. The naïve and younger me of the past? She hated taking actions. I always left myself wondering about the outcome. But I’ve learned that failing is better than not knowing at all. So yeah, this is the reason why I made my huge career move and I am truly blessed because God gave me this opportunity and I didn’t leave it for me to wonder again. But wondering in and of itself isn’t bad. I think everyone of us needs to wonder. We need that curiosity, that little spark to motivate. To wonder is to show interest no matter how small, and I think that’s nice. And if this curiosity remains in my head too often, I think it’s telling me something. To ignore would be bad, and leaving yourself wondering the whole-time could hinder growth, me thinks.

I’m glad that sometimes even though I’m such fearful human being (most of the time), my anxiety-ridden self incites action when the call is there. Yes, there are so many scenarios play in my head—mostly are negative because I’m always scared. I usually go for the safer route, the less fuss alternative. But even though there are safer options, wondering will never stops when your heart is telling you to do something. The heart and the mind just need to meet in the middle. And when that time come, it isn’t just a mere curiosity anymore. You have something in you that wants to do it, it isn’t a fleeting thought anymore that I can leave myself to wonder. And it calls courage to take that very first step!

The point of this whole post is wondering will always be part of me. I didn’t suddenly become free spirited person and jumping without thought! I still will always be overly cautious, quick to panic, and play to safe but know what, I have this in me now that wants to take a step. Cautiously, one at a time, but there’s movement and I find that great. There will be some that will remain just thoughts BUT! there are that will turn into something good! It’s backed by this new found courage and determination!

Photo by Surachet Khaoropwongchai on Unsplash